Google Is My Homeboy: Part Deux...AKA Lace Face Is A Smarty Pants

I have a dear friend whom I like to call Lace-Face. Thank you kindly but the creativity and genius to her pseudonym are not my doing. Nonetheless, Mrs. Face is a smarty pants...and after she read "Google Is My Homeboy" she made the brilliant suggestion that I make my feelings for Google more public. Thus, Part Deux for your viewing pleasure.

Today on Google Is My Homeboy we search the wilds of the internet with the term ADVENTURE ....why? Well, why the heck not!

This Young Adventurer Is Equal Parts 

Thug Life &

Where Did Granny's Glasses Go. 

I Applaud His Tenacity For Fighting Age-ism 

In They Gangster Adventurer Community

This Little Diddy Is Loaded With Adventurous Behavior.

1. A Little Lovin' Always An Adventure.

2. Fire....Danger Is Hot (Literally)

3. Magical Fairies....AWESOME

4. Cobra....Who Doesn't Like Staring Death In The Eye?

*I Refuse To Explain What The Angry Eggplant Is All About.

**Also...Congrats To The Cave Couple As I Assume They Will Soon Be Expecting.

Narcissism At It's Finest! Now This Is What I Like To See...You Go Girl! 

10 Points For Effort.

If A Body Cast And A Roller Coaster Do Not An Adventure Make...

Then I Don't Know What Is.

Everybody Was Kung Foo Fighting.....Fast As Lighting.

...And Jill Came Tumbling After.

As always Google has not disappointed me in my quest through the uneven terrain of the world wide web. oh...and thanks for the advice Lace Face!

XOXO

Let's Call It OldTimers

As of late I have wondered what kind of senior citizen I will make. Now, Now...I know what you are thinking...she has finally lost it and is no longer capable of normal thoughts. I say Nonsense! My contemplations over retirement are perfectly legitimate and productive if I do say so myself. You see there are several categories that seniors fall into...

1. Blue Plate Special...This particular brand of senior can usually be spotted parking their Buick crooked in the handy cap spot outside their local Coco's. They are usually wearing synthetic fabrics in pastel colors and moving like molasses. However, they are also the sweetest most gentile old folks around. They treat everyone like there own grandchildren and have an unnatural affinity for Werther's Butterscotch candies.

2. Back In My Day....The "Back In My Day" gang of older timers has decided to spend there golden years in compare and contrast mode. They are of the clear opinion that everything was different in there day and for good reason. These seniors are generally older males who at some point traipsed through a foreign land with a gun...they probably also walked to school uphill, in the snow, both ways in there one and only pair of shoes. The upside to this crew is there incredible ability for penny pinching. They seem to be able to make magic happens when it comes to frugality. The downside is that all the cans in the cupboard are dented and missing the labels...but who doesn't love a good mystery meat dinner!

 

3.Mismatched Maniacs...This group of seniors have lost all ability to match and give a whole new meaning to the phrase "marching to the beat of your own drum". For the most part, these folks have tossed conventions to the wind and thrown there middle finger at societal obligation. Napping on a park bench in the afternoon, taking up ceramics...why not! They treat life much the same as kids in a candy store and the world is there candy store. They can usually be spotted in rainbow/eclectic/boho garb and are almost always wearing a gardening hat. They tell you the stories they feel like telling instead of giving straight answers and parade around in a seemingly blissful cloud of age defiance.

Each of these old timers have there upsides and without them all our world would be a drab place. As for me... I think i'll be a hybrid senior. I can just see myself now as a mismatched old lady who sits at Coco's and tells the waiters about life "back in my day". Hey anything could happen! All I know for sure is that I want to make the most of my golden years...now all I have to do is start my career...30 years and counting!
XOXO

Age & The Space Time Continuum

I am not old, but I am starting to grasp the concept....

The phrase "oh, that makes me feel old" is starting to have some actual tangibility in my life and I am still trying to figure out what to do with it. I mean, I am only 21...I figured I had a decade or so before that phrase meant anything to me. Nonetheless, I am realizing that adulthood is here and there is no going back.

There was a simpler time just a decade ago where major life decisions consisted of which flavor slurpy was most satisfying or whether to watch Rugrats or Doug after school. "Work" was a packet of worksheets do at the end of the week and consequences for misbehavior were pulling a card and having to admit it to your parents. Now, I am faced with what's the best toilet paper purchase for my money and if I can find my favorite show free online because TV costs money (yea that one came as a shocker...childhood is a liar!). Now consequences can land you in court or at least traffic school, and a note from your mother means nothing to your boss.

However, I can handle all that change (most days), BUT what I cannot wrap my mind around is the fact that there are children who are nearly my height who were born in the year 2000! What the heck happened!!! One minute, I am being an obnoxious 6th grader asking everyone if they are Y2k compliant and the next thing I know the kids I teach were born in 1998...this is not ok! Furthermore, my little sister is a legal adult with a drivers license and a job and planning for college...this is also not ok! She is supposed to be 12 for forever. Alright, I concede, it's ok, but its weird....really weird and I don't like it at all.

How am I supposed to be young and fun if everything I know is now "old school" and uncool...oh god is "cool" not cool anymore. See what I mean, this is a slippery slope of insanity that I am treacherously mastering here. I know that I am fabulous but if the young-ins don't get my amazing whit and incredible charm than... thans........ahh who am I kidding it's there loss. I actually think I should pity these little two thousand whatever babies, they are stuck with anime and Hannah Montana.

I may be getting older but I definitely got the better end of the bargain...real cartoons, technology boom, surplus economy, and the ability to swim in the ocean without fear of crude oil. Heck, I even got a few years in before everyone stopped drinking from the hose on a hot afternoon.

It's one thing to realize time is flying buy and another thing entirely to appreciate the time that has passed. I may feel old from time to time but the journey to get hear has been pretty awesome and I think that will always trump feeling old.

XOXO

Misadventures With The Tiny Humans

Little humans are messy, paintbrush wielding, booger nosed, energizer bunnies with zero hand eye coordination. This may seem harsh, but anyone who has spent more then 20 minutes in the presence of a little human can attest to the truth of this description. Now, this isn't to say that I don't like the little humans...I do! I find them funny, and refreshing but I am not ignorant of their mischievous ways.

However, since I lay no claim to any particular little human I am quiet unnerved when people who do claim one or two of them can't keep them in check. As I see it pet owners are required to keep the pet in line and people owners should do the same. Furthermore, I am willing to recognize that my lack of experience in this area does not make me the most credible person to speak on the subject of the little humans but...

I do know that when I was an adorable little human I tried to have my share of public mishaps and quickly learned that my loving handlers had a stink eye that meant business. You know what I am talking about, that look or phrase that sends a clear message to shut up and is generally followed by the phrase "do you want to go to the car?" Even though you didn't know the particulars of what would happen at the car it was evident that the car was not going to be rainbows and cupcakes and therefore shutting up was wise.

Nowadays, I look angrily at the loud little human three tables down and wonder why it's handlers are not giving the stink eye or car threat. Something, anything really, has got to be better then allowing the little bugger to bounce on the booth cushions and yell " hey guys, look what I can do...hey look at me!" While I can appreciate a little narcissism and flash more than most there is a certain line of etiquette that should just never be crossed.

For example, When I worked at a fine establishment known as Starbucks there was one particular patron who often brought her tiny humans along for her morning jolt of caffeine. She ALWAYS bought them each their very own pastry and chocolate milk (obvious breakfast of champions) and proceeded to sit with them at a corner table while they "ate"...if we can even call it that. From my keen observations I am fairly sure that these particular little humans would leave the pastry in the bag then tenderize it like meat and dump the entire contents onto the floor. Soon after, without a glance our second thought, the patron would get up (without collecting a single item of trash) and leave with her tiny humans loudly, and obnoxiously in-tow.

I think it is safe to say, that the situation in which I have just described is rude and lazy parenting; which, as far as I can tell is all the craze these days! What happened to discipline, manners, and etiquette!!! It has all seemingly gone out the window and for the life of me I cannot figure out why??? If anyone has the answer to this question please...enlighten me. 

Also, if you are planning on procreating in the near future, be a trend setter and teach your tiny humans a little bit about manners, indoor voices, and how to talk to adults politely....if you do i'll give you a dollar (I swear!)

XOXO

Google Is My Homeboy

I Google basically everything so today I was bored and Googled "random" this is what I uncovered....

Little Puppy Bank Robber...Please Appreciate The Genius Here.

In My Head I Am Convinced That This Gentlemen Is 

Will Ferrel At A Casting Call For a Judd Apatow Film.

I Actually Just Find Cheese Tasty So This Shirt Is A-OK With Me.

Chuck Norris Is The Definition Of Random.

After My Recent Encounters With The U.S. Postal Service 

I Believe This Statement To Be 100% Accurate. Snails Have Got To Be 

More Reliable Then That Damn Eagle They Have Been Using.

Well, I Think I Have Found A Fall Back Career Plan!

Who Doesn't Love Ninjas!

 I Especially Love These Ninjas Because They Have A Lady Pimp.

Christmas And Fat Furry Animals...If You Don't Think 

That Is An Award Winning Combo You Have No Soul.

Yet again Google has not let me down. If this isn't random I have no idea what is! ....and yes its a slow news day in my life.

XOXO

The Sun Is An Evil Two Faced Double Crosser

Having been an Arizona resident since 2002 I feel I can accurately, and with a great deal of bias, say that the Sun is trying to murder me...slowly, and with a rare form of Chinese torture.

As a youngster I truly enjoyed the warmth and joy that the sun brought to my life. I would draw happy suns beaming down rays of joy and loveliness on little fields of flowers. (Ok..on second thought, almost all kids draw this exact picture so this may have no significance whatsoever). 

Nonetheless, I think it is safe to say that Senor Sun and I started out on good terms. Then I moved to Arizona,  and for some reason or other this really through a wrench in the relationship. 

The Sun has since been taking his aggression out on me in more ways than one and its is borderline obsessive...seriously a restraining order might be necessary! 

Below are my list of grievances with the Sun:

1. Warming the earth is fine and dandy but anything over a hundred is cruel and unusual punishment and I have been cruel and unusually punished for several months.

2. Causing people, such as my self, to sweat profusely just by walking from the house to the car is rude!

3. Leaving large red painful markings on peoples skin is abuse in all 50 states....just sayin.

4. When children and the elderly are at risk for death while not doing anything to provoke it I think it is safe to say a line has been crossed!

5. Last but certainly not least...being able to cook a full bacon and egg breakfast on the side walk at 8 am is just wrong!!!!

So think twice before making friends with the Sun because he is the, two faced, double crossing, jealous ex type. You have been warned.

XOXO

Life Lessons Brought To You By The Olsen Twins

Thanks to an Olsen Twins film I learned the art of running away from home at the tender age of 6. Mary-Kate and Ashley made it look fun as they ran off to grandma's house for Christmas. They hitched a ride with a grumpy criminal couple and wha-la they were at grandma's house with a little time to spare.

One morning, at what I am assuming was an ungodly early hour, my little sister and I made our way to our garage. Why the garage? Well my parents, in an obvious stroke of genius, laid old carpet down in our garage and made it into our play room. Therefore, when we work up we jaunted off to the garage and began to play. You know the usual kids games, like cutting Barbie's hair until she looks like she has rabies, coloring outside the lines with ferocious intent, etc. Then after the initial elation of playtime had worn away my little sister, in her deep seeded belief that my sole purpose in life is to entertain her, asks me "Sissy what are we gonna play now?" I pondered this question for a short while and I said "....ummm....we could run away." to which she replied "ok". It was all so ridiculously nonchalant in a way that only a 6 and 3 year old can have a conversation. Kind of like... "Hey do you want to eat a sandwhich" "sure I love sandwhiches!"

The tone of this chat really should have notified me that my sister was not fully aware that running away meant leaving home but I was a first grader what did I know! So instead I said "Hey we should pack so stuff to take with us when we run away." So my sister, being the infinity wise young adventurer that she was grabbed the plastic grocery basket that we used to pretend we were shopping. I then proceeded back to the kitchen to rummage through the pantry. In the pantry I spotted an un-opened box of animal crackers and a few Snyder's Pretzels. These items seemed satisfactory and were added to our little basket. We then tiptoed past our sleeping parents bedroom and headed to our own room. We each grabbed some fresh undies and added them to our little runaway survival kit (because obviously clean underwear is every runaways must have fashion accessory!). We put on some socks and shoes and we were ready to rock and roll.

However, I must add that back in the day we slept in big t-shirts with no pants. On this particular day it had not dawned on us to change our clothes which means we were ready to head out with only big shirts, tennis shoes, and a plastic basket filled with animal crackers and underwear. Obvioulsy, we felt completely prepared to runaway from home, we had seen the movie so we were basically experts.

We tiptoed to the back door of the house and slipped out into the cool morning air. The journey around to the front of the house seemed like an eternity but we pushed on. Once we arrived at the front of the house we creeped like little ninjas across the front yard using the planter wall for cover. However, when we finally made it a whole two doors down we both stopped and looked at one another. My poor baby sister looked up at me like I was marching her to a death camp or some other terrible fate. I looked back at her and said "I don't think we are allowed to runaway from home" She smiled really big and said "Yea mom might get mad if we don't ask first." Naturally, we should have asked to runaway from home and that would remedy the whole situation.

After that it was settled that we would turn back to "ask permission" about running away from home. So we marched up the drive way, having completely abandoned our stealth ninja moves, and rang the doorbell. When a sleepy version of our mother appeared at the door and realized her two small children were standing out side in their pajamas a look of sheer bewilderment came over her face. "What are you girl's doing?" This is when it hit me that I had to explain what we were doing outside early in the morning with no pants, snacks and  underwear. I can't remember what I said but I did fess up to running away and told her we came back to ask permission. For the first time ever there was a real lag time between confession and lecture, my mom seemed like she didn't know if this was a moment to laugh at and put in the baby book or scream and yell to scare us out of a repeat performance. She took the middle road and decided to explain the running away is very serious and that we should never do that again.

About 15 seconds went by and my sister was pretty much over all of it. She was now deeply concerned about what was for breakfast. Her vote was for oatmeal; the kind that had the little dinosaur hatching eggs in them. I, however, was still sitting there contemplating what a terrible thing I had just done. We are not religious but I had my own little catholic guilt thing going on for about 12 minutes. Then I decided I wanted cheerios and life returned to normal.

I have wondered from time to time what might have happened if we had made it more then two houses down the street, or if my mom had woken up at any point in our elaborate packing process, or why we didn't put pants on? Nonetheless, nothing bad happened and all was right with the world.

XOXO

I Fight Mother Nature Amongst Other Things

I am not a girl who shies away from adventure by any means. For the most part I rather like out of door excursions. I will admit that I refuse to camp because you have to sleep on the ground and pee in a whole in the ground ... Nonetheless, an eventful day outside is quiet enjoyable and I am a fan! Therefore, when one of my super amazing and completely awesome friend came into town I decided to show her just what Arizona has to offer; despite the heat that makes you feel like the Lord Almighty is trying to cook you in city sized frying pan. These festivities included the Salt River and Slide Rock amongst other things.

Salt River Tubing

Slide Rock in Sedona

Each and every adventure that we took part in was utterly fabulous, completely exhausting and totally worth it. On the first day she was in town we loaded up the car with old sheets and sun screen and headed for the Salt River. For those who have not tubed...you are silly and have missed out on lots and lots of shenanigans. Basically you wrap a rubber tube in an old sheet and float blissfully down the river along with lots of usually intoxicated individuals. 

However, this is also where I had to begin my battle with nature. River currents, for some reason or other are really not obedient and, despite my best efforts, could not be bent to my will. This often leads to clumps of tubers careening into rocky over grown riverbanks. Pleasant? I think not and no matter how much you beg and plead you are at the mercy of mother nature. What's worse is that if you anger mother nature, which is relatively easy to do since she is a cranky old broad, she will usually take a shoe or a hat or car keys from you while slamming you but first into a large rock. So for this particular outdoor adventure I had one goal in mind...I would battle mother nature until she let me off the river with everything I came with.

Round 1....Mission Success!

Now a few days later, clearly riding the wave a sweet victory from my river trip I planned a little day trip to beautiful Sedona Arizona. If you haven't been to Sedona either, than you are just sad and I feel sorry for your misfortune. Thus, I wanted to take my friend to this gorgeous place to prevent her from being sad and misfortunate AND because it is truly unlike anything you have ever seen or will see again in your lifetime....for instance:

Clearly this place is gorgeous! So we headed out to Slide Rock State Park where many a brave souls slide down the slippery worn away rocks. As you can see this put me and mother nature back in the ring once again! Clearly the cold water and slippery rock surfaces were on mother nature's side, you see she is clever that way, she will use even poor unsuspecting rocks to her advantage. But undaunted I ventured deep into mother nature's territory armed with...well....nothing. After several faltering steps it looked like she might win. This is when my good friend discovered the power of Anchor Rock! You see for nearly half an hour we had battled three and a half inches of water as it rushed over those slimy red rocks, but when we discovered a five pound slate like little peace of heaven I began to show mother nature what was up. Anchor Rock allowed us to maintain a sturdy grip on mother nature as we shimmied our way up the shallow stream. We soon found our self venturing deep into the beautiful Sedona area laughing and playing merrily like school children on the playground at recess (after they get hopped up on chocolate milk and sloppy joe's)....So... take that mother nature!

In the end I was victorious and our little vacation/reunion/fiesta was a total success and I can't wait to smack mother nature around again sometime soon!

XOXO

If A Nap Can't Cure It The World Is Coming To An End.

I have a firm belief in naps. period.

The way that I see it a nap can cure anything, and if it can't the world is coming to an end, and we should all get large canned foods from Costco and hang out in a fall out shelter playing Quelf.

This may seem melodramatic and nonsensical but really it is quiet sane and logical because Quelf and fall out shelters are always a recipe for fun times.... but also because naps do a body good for all of the following reasons:

First of all a nap rejuvenates, refreshes, and restores the body. It says "hey body take a breather. I'll make sure you auto-pilot this business and wake up in time for dinner." (this really is a sweet deal if you think it over thoroughly).

Secondly, a nap allows your body to fill decent chunks of time without spending money, eating something unhealthy, staring at any sort of electronic device, or pushing yourself to any sort of physical height. It is almost like being the boy in the bubble for an hour or two...how much damage can you do all curled up on the couch in silence and peace....very little. Although, I must add in that if you are injuring yourself during a nap your are doing it incorrectly and I highly suggest you consult with a niece, nephew or other small child...they have nap-time on lock down.

Thirdly, napping increases social productivity. Some may say this is tomfoolery but I say nay! You see, when done properly a nap extends productive waking hours father into the evening past work and whatnot. Therefore, more time to mingle in the evenings. Why is mingling in the evenings so important? Mental health...duh! Humans need social interaction in their natural habitats or they go postal and....well, that is usually highly unpleasant.

Fourth, and finally, a nap is just a good freaking idea. You wake up with the headaches of your pre-nap day gone.  That grumpy frown previously plastered on your face has disappeared! You are hungry and excited about dinner, ready to chat with friends and samba (hey, I don't judge! haha)....and this is why a nap cure's everything!

XOXO