The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Hello my name is Alyse and I have a serious problem with buying office supplies. 

While most children were begging for a chocolate bar at the grocery store I was pleading for a new pack of Crayolas "'cause mom this one has a sharpener on the back!"

So I guess it is safe to say that my irrational love for all things school supply isle began as a kid. However, it wasn't until I was an adult that I discovered the Mecca of craft supplies. 

All hail HOBBY LOBBY supreme retailer of the craft supplies.

Basically, this is the Costco of everything teachery, and crafty, and artsy...Its AMAZING! I am of the belief that its finest of the fine qualities is the mass amounts of paper and stickers to choose from. As someone who has the compulsion to decorate and sticker everything with my own flare and impeccable style I cannot deny the splendor of this place.

These ladies understand!

Now I am sure you are asking yourself...whats the problem with this fine establishment and their awesome items? Nothing! The problem lies in my inability to enter said establishment and not go on some sort of bender. I see stickers at $1.99 a pack and I freak out! I start tricking myself into believing I need them all and I DON"T!

For example, I recently visited Hobby Lobby with the express intention of finding 2 decorative pieces of paper to decorate some binders (shhh! decorative paper is not lame or unnecessary). So I headed to the scrap-booking isles (yes isles plural...told yea this place was amazing). I figured this would be quick and easy...but then like clock work I became mesmerized by, well, EVERYTHING. I walked out an hour later with $30 worth of stuff! What the heck! I mean common! I am a strong willed women who is frugal to boot and yet I am powerless against pens, and paper, and stickers?

I am beginning to fear that I will spend my first years teaching salary on school supplies....eek! Like I said I have a problem.

XOXO

Guess I've Been Feeling Humble....WEIRD!

It's been a good century and a half since I wrote a blog. I know. I'm sorry! When you are an overachiever like myself you tend not to grasp the concept of free time. You see I have this terrible problem with noting one little blank spot in a very fully (beautifully stickered) calendar and filling it with some sort of something, like dinner plans or hanging Christmas decorations. Why? Because i'm insane. Duh!

This is not a drill. I repeat NOT a drill. This is actually my life.

So I think it is fairly obvious that I have neglected this poor little blog because of reality...OH JOY! However, there is no need to fret 'cause i'm back baby!

So what was I doing while I was away neglecting my blog (a blog that is apparently very popular is Russia LOL)??? 

Well I was........

*going to school full time

*spending 15 hours a week teaching as an Intern

*working 15 hours a week

*homework

*starting a second job and, therefore, working 7 days a week

*homework

*being sick

*celebrating Thanksgiving

*homework

*homework

*decorating for the holidays

*homework 

*shopping

*celebrating my birthday

*FINISHING SCHOOL!!!!!

You know the usual. However, none of that is exciting or entertaining so I have compiled a few scenarios to use should anyone ask why I was neglecting my blog. 

p.s. It will probably be someone from Russia so feel free to plug these stories into an online translator.

Scenario #1:

I was in the National Car Surfing competition and narrowly escaped death in the championship race. My hands were left temporarily paralyzed while the rest of my body remained unscathed. I recovered yesterday and immediately began blogging. Oh and I came in 2nd place!

Kids don't try this at home.

Scenario #2

I was saving orphan children in Somalia. Enough said

OH OH OH! & I put up some windows (not widows, windows) so the orphans can see outside. 

I am such a generous person!

Scenario #3 

I suddenly became humble (weird I know) and forgot how to talk about ME and how awesome I am. It made writing this blog impossible and sent me into a deep depression. Being depressed made me feel sorry for myself and inadvertently helped me to reclaim my narcissistic tendencies (YAY). No worries, I have seen the light and I am doing much better. 

XOXO

A Day In The Life Of A Single 20 Something...

When you are young, pretty, and single certain truths become self-evident. One of those truths is that you will be hit on by men who are complete and total strangers. Another of these truths is that loving friends with good intentions will try and set you up with total strangers. Obviously, the common denominator here is STRANGERS! Have people never heard the phrase "Stranger Danger"!!!!

It is true that not everyone gets to be in a relationship...sad, sad...but true! Nonetheless, thats how it works in the real world (again, movies are evil liars). Therefore, the single people have to venture out into the night and attempt to make small talk, and batty eye lash moves, and other important flirtations in order to try and undo their single status. It is not a simple task and even with careful planning and calculation the most skilled single lady can find herself in a perpetual state of singleness. On one particular evening the failure of a certain single lady's endeavors were repetitively addressed by the onslaught of rednecks that made their presence known to her.

It caused this single lady to wonder if she had a sign on her back that said "I'll bring you beer while you watch NASCAR dear" when really she should've wear a sign that said "rednecks need not apply"

Now I know what you are thinking....where did the rednecks come from and what did they do??? I shall tell you in this totally true and only slightly exaggerated story about two pretty 20 somethings:

Once upon a time, two loud and bubbly single girls decided to put down the books and have a lovely meal downtown. They located a tasty sushi restaurant they had not tried and even made friends with the sushi chef. Banner night...one would think. UNTIL, the waiter notified them that some gentlemen from table such and such had purchased them a reallllllly gross beverage. The girls politely smiled at the gentlemen and took a sip of the disgusting warm liquid. THEN, the oldest and least attractive of the gentlemen came over to talk to the girls....WHY???? Because the universe has a sense of humor. You see the ladies had just been discussing their singleness and how perhaps they should meet a chef who could make them sushi at home. This older gentlemen just happened to be a chef from some unknown restaurant in Venice Beach, California. The ladies let him yammer until he put his foot in his mouth. This guy was no ordinary chef....he was in town for none other then the NASCAR races!

SUSHI=GOOD :)

NASCAR=BAD :(

After leaving those stellar gentlemen behind the ladies headed to a new location to say hello to a friend who was in the neighborhood. BUT remember what I said about friends with good intentions....bad news bears! You see this friend immediately tells one of the ladies about how she met a nice gentlemen on a plane who would be perfect for her. Then she adds that he is in school to become a pediatric dentist and he is cute! yay! sounds promising...until this next sentence pops out of her mouth "Yea, he is a total rope and ride cowboy. He is into horses and all that stuff". Again this single lady wondered what type of sign was hanging around her neck "prairie life's for me!" ?!? ummm....thanks but no thanks.

Not so long after that the ladies began to make idle chit chat with the other gentlemen at the establishment they were visiting. It took all of about 4 exchanges before it was discovered that these ladies had stumbled into conversation with a NASCAR pit crew! Seriously, what were the odds! A whole pit crew of  greasy southerners (no really, greasy, they had just left the track). Needless to say, the conversation did not last long.

What could these lovely ladies do but laugh at their misfortunes....know really suggestions are appreciated (kinda). So they topped off their evening with a group of lovely ladies (who aren't ladies) and called it an early night. They did not need to see the wee hours of the night to know it was less than successful. However, they had so much fun they almost felt the need to thank their redneck admirers for the strange and entertaining turn of events. 

Welcome To Dating In Your Twenties.

XOXO

Bieber Fever & The Series Of Unfortunate Events

Generally speaking a week that begins with a Justin Bieber costume will be a good one...so what the hell happened to my week???

OK i'll back it up a step. Yes, I was Justin Bieber for Halloween...and YES, it was hilarious. However, I am pretty sure that my Bieber Fever cursed me. So basically this story is a tragedy and you should brace yourself for the 7 days of demise that were maybe/probably/kinda caused by a serious case of Bieber Fever.

You see, after a rousing night of Halloween festivities with many teachery friends (all dressed in assorted varieties of costume) I was awoken to the reality that I had less than 72 hours to complete a 20 page research paper. Yea, you read correct 20 PAGES! It's a lot in case you were unaware. What's worse is that this was a paper on the changes in Southern plantation owner's justifications of slavery in the early 1800's as seen through economic and faith based rhetoric changes. I am fairly certain that sentence alone bored half of you. SOOO can you imagine the thrill I had starring down the barrel of that assignment? In case you can't i'll spell it out for you....I would rather have a route canal without the drugs. No Joke!

In the midst of conquering that nasty beast I was confronted with tragedy 2 of my Bieber related afflictions. AKA car problems. Can you say yay for check engine lights?!?! Oh yes, on my way to my internship I find that my car is acting like an irritable child as her check engine light began to flash at me feverishly. This meant that I had to go be all teachery and then take gretchen (my car) to the doctor (praying all the way not to brake down or that it would be so expensive I would have to sell my first born child).

Did I mention that at this point I had only 4 pages written and was now down to about 36 hours till deadline......oh joy!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To say that the rest of my week followed suit would be an understatement. However, the lack of sleep and overwhelming amount of stress that was inflicted upon me thanks to Bieber Fever has left me a little hazy on the details. However, I do know that it involved a lot of crying, several moments that were utterly gut wrenching, a handful of instances that involved nail biting, and a deep seeded desire for chocolate. OH!. Also, lots and lots and lots of coffee!

SO....screw you J. Bieber and your evil FEVER....grr!

XOXO

This Is A BAM Good Story

The Story of BAM is about....

No, not this guy!

Not this guy either.

The story of BAM is about these girls:

It all started when 3 ladies who, on their own were totally freaking awesome, all decided to go to college and become teachers. Now before you disregard them for their insane career choice give these blondes a chance!

They were each smart, and funny, and realllllllly busy living their lives. This meant that upon first meeting in some pointless class or other they were polite and cordial and said peace out before forming a major post-class coffee date bonding thing. 

HOWEVER, the time did come when they finally found themselves outside of school enjoying a birthday celebration at the same establishment.YAY! 

Soon the ladies were planning shopping trips, dinners out, movie nights, scorpion squashing endeavors, and other silly shenanigans. Slowly but surely a close friendship like bond began to emerge until a fateful dinner trip to the fabulous POSTINOS!

With L-Town along for the festive ride the ladies found them selves hurling insults over bruschetta until tears ran down their face from laughter. Needless to say, it was memorable and....well lets just say that being told to "relax" while walking down an ally full of dog crap has taken on new meaning.

L-Town had to bounce but....

By the end of the evening the ladies had decided to unify them selves and BAM was born....quiet creatively by fusing their initials together. (Oh yea it was that simple!)

....and thats the whole BAM story!

XOXO

My Phone Is Narcoleptic

It is probably no surprise to anyone from this century that phones have a very short life span. As a matter of fact, if they were a species of human they would have gone extinct by now. What's worse is that most phone carriers won't give you a deal on a new phone until 2 years have passed. Hmm...lets do the math: phone lasts 1 year, must wait 2 years to buy an affordable phone??? This doesn't add up. Anyhow, two freaking years is a really long time! So in fruitless efforts to save money we try and coax are phones into lasting us the full two years. Usually, you can convince yourself this is possible by ignoring the rapidly declining functionality of your phone.

For example, my phone has become narcoleptic; basically it shuts off and takes a little nap wherever and whenever it pleases!. NOW, theoretically, phones are supposed to be getting better, faster, more advanced, and as we all know they have more gadgets, apps, and gizomos than is really even necessary. However, this better, faster, more advanced business is a LIE a lie I tell you. How is my phone, which is only two years old, any good to me if it shuts off all the time? Isn't the basic purpose of a phone to communicate with people? When the phone shuts off I am obviously not able to utilize it for its most basic function! WTF!

Problem Numero Dos! When my aged and decrepit phone actually feels like being awake it is still only mildly functional. Lets refer to this lovely diagram of my phone. Marvel at the many many arrows pointing to the many many functions. Note the SEND button (number 16 on our visual aid ladies and gentlemen)....it DOESNT WORK!!! Yes, the button that is key to the whole operation has ceased to function completely. You heard me, the SEND button no work no more This means that I have to use ninja skills just to place an outgoing call....and lets not even discuss sending a text message.

In what universe is this OK? why have a phone if it can't function on its most primitive level? Yes, the camera works and the alarm is function is top notch, but I can't make a freaking phone call on my own freaking phone! I ask again...in what universe is that OK?

I think we should all riot and lute the nearest cellular phone provider and demand a better product. What happened to the days when your phone was soooo indestructible you could wield it like a weapon and give somebody a concussion and then sit down a place a call? seriously! what happened?

XOXO

Busy...I'll Show You Busy!

When I was little I thought I knew what busy was. I was convinced that a full day of school a little homework and dinner out with the family was a fully loaded day. HAHA now I call that vacation. (not sure if this is the best or most pathetic statement I have ever made...you can decide).

Honestly, I like being busy...I can't handle having nothing to do....i'll go stir crazy in about 3 and a half minutes. However, when you are little no one explains exactly how much goes into being a grown up.No one told me that the nap option was not a punishment but rather a luxury that would disappear shortly. No one mentioned that bills are like homework but more expensive and with harsher deadlines. NO ONE bothered to explain that driving a car meant giving up a free chauffeur or that having a guaranteed lunch that cost a dollar was the best deal in town. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?

Even getting the mail has lost all its appeal...unless there is a Netflix movie inside, thats still fun. Nonetheless, my point is that I was living in ignorant bliss as a child and it was great. I thought being a grown up meant doing whatever you wanted. I was certain that this also meant lots of free time because there was no school and you had no bed time. All of that turned out to be complete and utter CRAP!

As it turns out, being a grown up consists of long days filled with work (crazy I know!). You have to drive yourself to that job and from that job (who knew?). Turns out you also have to cook and clean AND I have discovered that putting the laundry away was the easy part not the pain in the ass part! 

This is what I thought my days would be like when I was little.

This is reality:

and it includes things like...laundry, internship, work, class, homework, project, meeting, buy toilet paper, eat something preferably something that won't make you fat, get gas in the car, cry, fall asleep while reading a book, ignore technological gadgets, Facebook, save a puppy.

To add insult  to injury there are a litany of other shocking realizations when you enter the busy world of adulthood like:

*The Price of Gas

*TV costs money...and so does the internet

*Telephones cost money too!

*Rent, and Electricity, and Car Insurance are probably all due on the same day.

*Your boss will not give you a free pass if your mom writes you a note (elementary schools lied to me!)

*Putting on your shirt inside out is not endearing and no one will tell you.

*The kids on the Disney channel are not really talented so you will survive when the boy band breaks up.

*There is such a thing as eating to much candy.

Honestly, this list could go on...I haven't even thrown in the cost of a night at the movies let alone a much needed cocktail. To top it all off there are only 24 hours in a day and for some ridiculous reason that is non-negotiable. Oh yea! and bedtime was not a punishment (that one was a shocker!)

Moral of the story kiddos: Adulthood is really goddamn busy!

XOXO

Random Tangent

Randomness is part of what makes life so awesome. It keeps me going when I am fairly certain that God is one of the sour patch commercial kids and everything is going wrong. HOWEVER, when you are an educator not all random tangents are good. As a matter of fact, sometimes they are pointless and stupid and make me want to rip my eyeballs out.

SOOOO here is a little How To on Random Tangents...

Good Tangent:

Telling a story about your brother piercing his belly button when he was a teenager to illustrate the point you are making about "Negligence in the Classroom" and how teachers are responsible for kids while they are at school.

This is the good kind of totally random because it was funny and unexpected but was also related to the topic at hand in a way that we students understood and found funny. ALSO, we were able to quickly jump back in to more appropriate class discussions.

Bad Tangent:

Randomly discussing 1920's brothels when your students are discussing methods to effectively teach civil rights issues through the use of a videos about integration in American baseball.

There is NO REASON to start talking about the brothels of the 1920's EVER. Seriously, all the eye's rolling and the confused facial expressions were not a look of intrigue or fascination it was shear bewilderment. It has nothing to do with anything and there is no hope of returning to topic at hand. Just sayin...

POINT BEING....totally random off the wall crap is great in your everyday life BUT if you want to be a teacher pick the RIGHT random crap to talk about with your students or we will assume you are stupid and ignore you.

XOXO

Patience Is A Virtue I Need More Of...

Despite popular belief I do not actually believe the world revolves around me....I did pay attention on that particular day in science class.

As you can see from this lovely illustration theses are THEE 8 planets (poor pluto got the axe a few years back) and at the center of this universe is NOT me (see look its the sun!)

Ok so back to the point at hand which is that I need to learn to be a more patient individual; after all patience is a virtue, and surprisingly it is a virtue that is tightly linked with narcissism. NOW, before you go and get your panties in a bunch over that statement let me explain.

Narcissism, or at least the brand of narcissism I prefer, is having the confidence to appreciate what makes you awesome. However, that means you have to be an expert of sorts on what is awesome...which means that sometimes you have to shut the heck up and listen to other people's awesomeness.

This requires patience, which as I stated before, I need more of. I used to think I had a lot of patience because I could sit through a boring class and convince the professor I was paying attention. However, I have discovered that I am maybe not such a good listener because I am impatient and want to say all the totally fabulous thoughts inside my head before they float away. BUT if I had just listened I would know those thoughts are probably irrelevant, and nobody wants to be irrelevant! Irrelevant people make terrible narcissists.

SO I am gonna work on commandeering some patience (I wonder if I can get it in bulk at Costco). Oh! maybe I will make that my New Year's resolution (yes I know its is september but there is no statute of limitations on selecting a resolution). So hopefully, I can figure out this business in the next three months. Clock's ticking! Wish me luck!

XOXO

So Apparently People Read This...Who Knew?

For the past several months I have been blogging my little heart out with zero idea as to whether or not anyone was reading this business. A few months back I came to terms with my following of less then 10 individuals (....one of whom is my mother, who has no clue how to get back into the account she created!) Still, I persevered, determined to blog for my own satisfaction. Knowing all the while that if I chuckled heartily to myself while typing that I had succeeded....and that was enough.

.....HELLO! If anyone has been paying attention then clearly you would be aware of my deep and very silly need for extra attention and that I would NOT be satisfied by chuckling heartily to myself. I hate doing things by myself. So naturally when I found out that my audience was larger then 7 people I got kinda excited.

Seriously!  I am talking Kindergarten teacher at a glue and marker convention excited....epic I know. You see  I realized in a slow and round about manner that people actually read this stuff. Yea I know...crazy!...and yes real people....don't laugh....your reading this....your a real person.....wait you are a real person right???

Ok, pardon the chaos inside my mind...back to the story at hand. You see I slowly started noticing people referencing my blog in common conversation with me. YAY! I felt incredibly famous for about 11 seconds each and every time this occurred. It was pretty awesome.

I would here people say things like:

"hey lets eat pasta....I know how much you like it" 

then I would reply with an incredibly quipy remark like

"yea! I do! I wrote a blog about it (insert cheesy grin)" 

then they would look at me like a small child and say

"I know....I read it."

(insert cheesy grin part deux).

It went on like this for weeks until I almost started to believe I was some sort of rock star or epic genius of gianormous proportions. Then I got off my high horse who I think I shall name Fred. Anyhow, I hopped off Fred, rejoined reality, and now I am here telling all of these readers that I supposedly have "Hey HEY hey"

....'Cause apparently people read this thing. Who knew?

XOXO

If You Feed Me I'll Be Nicer

Its been said (tonight) that I do not share my love for my roommate with the world enough. While I maintain that this statement is false I also want to prove that I think she is awesome. So what do you do when you need to shout from the roof tops "MY ROOMMATE IS AWESOME"....if your me you blog about it! Duh!

*P.S. "my roommate" is an ineffective way to describe said person and so she will henceforth be known as "L-Town".....why???....because its awesome....also because all of the best ways to describe her start with an L: Lady, Loquacious, Liberal, Loud, Lover not a fighter, her name starts with an L, and other stuff but thesaurus.com is letting me down.


Ok....soooo....back to the story.........

Now I am sure you are wondering how this blog topic arose? Well, it all started when I was hungry and acting like a seven year old.

You see I really wanted to hang out with L-Town who I hadn't really seen in 37 years. I also really wanted to eat dinner because all I had eaten all day was a cobb salad and a low-fat blueberry muffin! Anyhow, I eat dinner at the same time as the people at leisure world and it was well past 4 0'clock so I was starving. 

So I text L-Town to see if she had dinner plans or if we could have roommate time and debrief about the many happenings in our thrilling lives.

No Response.

I grumbled to myself about how hungry I was and how I shouldn't have done my homework standing up in the kitchen for two hours and blah blah blah. I bored my own hungry self to tears and  I finally decided to call L-Town.

No Response.

By this point I had already begun to stare idly into my barren kitchen cabinets (I am aware that I should grocery shop but I havent had the time yet). This attempt at pre-occupation proved fruitless and once again I called L-Town.

No Response.

This is where I morphed into a seven year old and called her 4 more times in a row.

No Response.

So I get on facebook and I ask our friend Miller Time if he knows if she is alive and why in the world she is she not answering my calls. I am hungry I explained, and Miller Time, being familiar with how I behave when hungry, sadly told me he didn't know where she was.

I had now reached delirious, sarcastic, indecisive hungry status and just as I was about to give up the phone rang. Miller Time had located my long lost L-Town who had not received any of my 47 phone calls because she had left her phone at home (which is where I was the whole time I was calling her). Nonetheless, I was extremely happy to have found her and told her I wanted to eat dinner with her NOW!

Soon I had joined Miller Time and L-Town and her gentlemen friend (who we shall call B-Town) for dinner....or so I thought. As it turned out the gentlemen had already eaten and it was just us starving ladies left to fight the delirium of menu decision making alone. 

Then, during what felt like an eternity of cook time, I waited incredibly impatiently for my food to arrive. This is where I was reminded of how much nicer I am when you feed me. I am already a rather blunt individual, but when deprived of food I have almost no ability to shut my mouth and the only way to cure it is to FEED ME!

Soon, food arrived at the table and I ate nearly every delicious bite....the asparagus was over done (sad day I know).....and it was like magic, suddenly I was quieter and nicer and not hungry or delirious. I was CURED!

However, I got accused of not proclaiming my love for my awesome roommate about 15 minutes later and I had to rush home and show the world how awesome she really is.....see....I do like her.......

Moral of this story:

I really love my awesome fabulous roommate &&&&& If you feed me i'll be nicer.

XOXO